If there’s one thing I really hate, it’s someone interfering when my child is completely engrossed in something, and telling her that she’s doing it wrong. That includes showing her how to do it “right”.

Since she was born, I have watched her approaching all of life’s puzzles with gusto, sometimes attacking a problem tens or hundreds of times, before she finally figures out – herself – what the solution is. And each of those attempts is valuable; she’s clearly motivated to continue pursuing something that is dearly important to her (even if that is how to keep the raisins in the open bowl) to its ultimate conclusion. Each time, she learns a little more. And the most valuable part of this whole process is that she learns that she can do it herself. It might take 5 minutes, or it might take 5 months, but she is in control, she is formulating new knowledge from each iteration, and she has autonomy. She is one, and she has autonomy.

Unless she explicitly asks for some help, it is not fair to swoop in and hold the bowl upright for her. It’s at best pointless, at worst damaging to tell her “Silly girl, this is how you do it, watch me!” It might be frustrating for you, an adult, to watch her make seemingly the same mistake over and over again. It might even be frustrating for her. But she is slowly learning what makes the raisins fall out of the bowl, and from that she will work out how to keep the raisins in the bowl. She is learning to work with her frustration. She doesn’t need to be taught. What you’re communicating to her is “I think you’re wrong and I think you’re incapable of getting it right without my help.” Over time, through her journey into language and self-consciousness, you are contributing to her belief that she cannot rely on her own intellect and problem-solving abilities. You’re controlling her, and you’re making her dependent. Asking or expecting someone else to do whatever is challenging becomes an attractive shortcut.

Please, leave her to it and trust that she knows best. I am not negligent, and I am no more an advocate of forcing my child to independence than I am of forcing my child to dependence. I do, however, believe in her innate ability to find her own way, with our unobtrusive support. In reality, although I use these words, she’s no more “my” child than she is yours. She belongs to herself. However, until she can speak, I ask you to respect her independence as we do and trust her to grow, without intervention, into something stronger and happier than many of us have learnt how to be.