I am not anti-social, but there are many people in this country I make it my business to avoid. This is why:

I pulled into a car park space today in a bit of a rush. Ordinarily, if we drive into town I am happy to park wherever, but this morning the clock was ticking, the Jenklett was squeaking, and I was a little bit stressed. So we nabbed the only vacant parent and child space – to which, of course we were entitled, us being parent and child.

A miserable-looking woman stopped to give us a steely once over as she headed towards the ticket machine, but I didn’t think any of it. I lumbered out of the car (the bump is huge now) and unloaded the Jenklett from her seat. Once she was tied her onto my back (quicker than a pushchair) I swiftly proceeded to the ticket machine myself.

The woman was waiting for me. She whirled round and screeched: “I don’t know what YOU think YOU’RE doing!” I just looked at her, wondering if she was going to brand me irresponsible for carrying a heavy weight whilst pregnant, or listening to the radio whilst driving, or something idiotic. I normally pretend not to hear. But instead, Volunteer Patrolwoman Snotnoser continued, “Those spaces are for people WITH CHILDREN. YOU don’t have any. It’s JUST LAZY. YOU’RE LAZY.”

At this point, the Jenklett reached over my shoulder and stuck her hand down the front of my top, gleefully shouting “Boob! Mama! Boob!” (The novelty of verbal communication, and indeed breasts, has not yet worn off).  So I asked the woman what she thought my toddler was, exactly.

My mistake.

“WELL,” she retorted, in an outraged, accusatory manner, “I thought she was a BAG. OBVIOUSLY.  And ANYWAY, YOU don’t LOOK like the kind of person who should be using a parent and child space. Your car is ALL WRONG for that.”    

So, there we have it. Automatically presumed guilty by a member of the public on the basis that:

• She has the magical power to determine whether someone has given birth, simply by looking at them; and
• She has the authority to decide which cars are suitable for the perambulation of under-18s.

And, let us not forget, this is a woman who mistakes a toddler, complete with perpetual motion head, arms and legs, for a bag.

I only hope she’s never called up for jury service.